The Gift of Singleness
I’ve lived 42 years of single life. 17 of them as a Christian. My lessons learned and thoughts on this subject are many. The most recent lesson has been to see that both marriage and singleness are good gifts. And not just because the Bible says so, but really to believe it.
We’ve all heard the passages about marriage being a good gift. Passages like Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Or Genesis 2:18 “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Some are familiar with passages celebrating or encouraging singleness. Passages like 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 (specifically) “I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” or 1 Corinthians 7:7 “I wish that all were as I myself am.”
While I relate more to the first part of Paul’s sentence (because I wish more folks stayed and enjoyed being single), I've come to see how they are both good gifts by reading all of 1 Corinthians 7:7 “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.” They are states of being, each a gift, neither better than the other, and given by God at His discretion.
It truly grieves me that generally marriage has been lifted up (arguably idolized), and singleness has mostly been relegated to either a place of suffering or a place of waiting. As someone who enjoys her single life, and sometimes has bouts of preemptive grief at the thought of losing it if God decides to wife me up, I truly hope we can see singleness as a gift.
In a worldly culture where romantic love is overemphasized, this is also a place for our beliefs to show how we’re different. Hollywood and culture tell us there is no love greater than romantic love. Then what of the deep friendships in the Bible? What of the brotherhood and sisterhood we find among each other within the church bound by the Holy Spirit?
And um, what about sex? Yeah, I hear you….”sorry Shaz, I have needs.” I’m not dead inside either. I.Get.It. But trust the Lord with this too. It’s a witness to the world that we can live well even without sexual gratification. He can do it for us. I’ve experienced it. Not that it’s not a struggle, but sexual purity is not as bad as we can blow it up to be when we fixate on it. When we truly take our desires and struggles to God and look to him for comfort, He can give us freedom. He also uses the struggle and awareness of what we’re lacking to deepen our faith and expand our view of who He is. The practice of laying even this most carnal of desires at His feet will serve you well as you mature in faith and intimacy with God.
I had a well-meaning sister-in-Christ ask me once if I desired to be married. I told her I was open to it, but didn’t have a strong desire. Her next question was, “So you’ve accepted celibacy?” I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I hadn’t thought of it that way until she asked. It is simply a part of my obedience to God in the place He has me. The more I've thought about that interaction, the more it leaves me with a sadness around how many of us view the interplay of sex and marriage. What a low view of marriage: to do it for the sex, and a low view of your spouse: to see them as an outlet for your desires. But I digress, because that’s a whole other topic for another blog.
So what does the gift of singleness look like? I sum it up as the gifts of time and space. A few examples:
Intimate union with God. The loneliness of being single makes me acutely aware of my need for God. Over the years, He’s used my loneliness as a means to create a palpably sweet nearness.
Deep cultivation of accountability and obedience. The self-reliance can be overwhelming. All the bills, food prep, plans, decisions, retirement, income, fun, obedience happens behind closed doors. Without practicing an intentional walk with God and being super real with Him, there is no one to tap me on my shoulder and push me in all the privacy I have.
Intergenerational friendships because my life has more flexibility to open space and time up to people with different life rhythms.
More time for building relationships with non-Christians and walking with them.
Time to serve.
Time to travel for fun but also to see family & friends.
More disposable income to be generous with since it’s just me.
I get to read a Psalm before bed and let that be the last thing I see and think before I sleep.
I get quiet morning time to hatch with God.
I get a whole bed to myself to make snow angels in and flop in the middle of.
Space to fill with people around me who may be overlooked or hurting.
Space in my home to let people in and create a place of joy, calm, comfort, and being.
Flexibility to be spontaneous to help or spend time with a friend.
Finally, I implore you not to conflate life status with calling. Status can change as God assigns. When all is washed away, we are children of God. Not a spouse, single, parent, employee or boss. 1 Corinthians 7:17 “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.”
You never know when your status may change. Keep your identity in Christ first. And in light of the “rule” Paul mentions, I leave you with a few tips from my collective experiences and learnings.
To singles: I encourage you to embrace intergenerational friendships and variety in your friendships. You’ll find yourself with a richer life and less likelihood of being alone with a variety of people in it. Come alongside your married friends. Branch out of the church. Take the opportunity to make friends with your neighbors. Let God use this space to mature and grow you. Don’t put things off for “when I get married…” Only God knows your future, and this thinking can stunt the growth He has for you.Take an inventory of how you spend your time. If you’re alone a lot or have a lot of down time, find someone to help you be accountable to use that time better. There is no shortage of people who need another person. Be that person. Guard what you consume and be mindful of how what you consume affects you. If love songs, books or movies leave you longing and discontentment, then stop consuming them. If you find yourself lamenting your singleness often, hold your tongue and learn to exercise gratitude for the gift you have instead of exercising grief for what you do not. Gratitude is a practice you develop. If you don’t have things to be grateful for in your singleness, you’re doing it wrong. Hit me up and let's talk.
To marrieds: It’s okay if you can’t relate to single people. But you don’t have to relate to them, to bring them into your life. Honestly, don’t try to relate to singles over 30 (especially over 40) with memories of your youthful singleness. It’s not the same and it usually ends up sounding insulting. Doing all of grownup life alone is a lot. Most meals alone. Sleep alone. Rise alone. Running a household alone. Decisions alone. Invite singles into your life the same as married friends. If you think you have nothing to talk about, then I encourage you to take inventory of what you set your mind to, and perhaps there is room for more variety and space for higher things. Don’t assume immaturity or selfishness due to singleness. God uses all life stages to sanctify and mature. Temper your tongue from complaining about the gift you have been given. I can’t tell you how many married friends leave me with no good view of marriage based on their constant complaints and envy of my singleness. It is both hurtful to singles to hear you complain about something they long for, but more importantly grievous to God over the gift He has given you.
You may be wondering how I recently saw that these are both good gifts, if I’ve enjoyed singleness so much. Well friends, it’s because I only recently started to see marriage as a gift (plot twist!). Beyond the struggle of two whole people bonding together to try to make a God honoring life, and sometimes adding kids to that mix, I didn’t see much good. It just seemed hard. Then I realized depending on perspective, everything can look awful or magical from the outside. The reality is it’s all hard and it’s all also beautiful in a way only God can make it so.
I pray somewhere in these words you’ve felt encouraged and challenged. My ultimate desire is for us all to find contentment in any season or life status we find ourselves. It is all good. It is all ordered by God. And while we can long for things, let us never take for granted what God is giving us presently.